Depression and Confessions.

The title clearly speaks for itself because this is exactly how I have been feeling. My emotions are on a rampage and sometimes I think I am losing my grasp on sanity! Lately I have been pondering on the reality of life (especially life after college), and reality is not really a pretty picture. You spend years in college, late nights studying and writing intense research papers (and lesson plans), you become extremely stressed that your cortisol levels reach the sky, you are tired, and the end result is a Bachelors degree and thousands of dollars in student loans. I also forgot to mention the end result of no job. Yes, my outcome has come down to this. I am usually a very positive person and usually I have a large amount of faith and believe “everything happens for a reason” or “everything will fall into place”, but lately I have lost all forms of positivity. That means I have lost faith in myself and everything around me.

I graduated with a Bachelors in Elementary Education. Some may ask “why would you want to deal with children all day?” Why? Because I love it! I have loved teaching since I was a small child. It was a dream of my youth and I refuse to let go of that dream and passion. In today’s time it seems you cannot get a job without experience or knowing the right person. It really urkes me and makes me cringe that I have chosen a career that I truly love with all of my heart and I have yet to find a job! I am very passionate about teaching! I love every aspect of it, and I am extremely confident in my ability, and I cannot get a job for the life of me. It bothers me that I have found the field that makes me happy and I have so much love for and I can’t get an opportunity. Unfortunately there are teachers out there who are in the field for the wrong reasons and continue to have a job despite their misery and lack of knowledge. Keep my head up right? This shall pass I am sure.

……………………

Why hello there.

It had been a few months since I last blogged. I found myself extremely busy and overwhelmed with the whole wedding planning. Now that EVERYTHING has passed, I finally have a moment to just breathe and get back into the flow of things. Feels great to get some organization back into my life.


Until later..
xOx

Home Sweet Home.

 "Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home!"

Today I found myself back at home because I simply needed a break. As I found myself all cozy in my bed, with my Yorkie (OK ex-Yorkie/daughter who has been taken in by her "grandparents", I found myself repeating the infamous lines of Dorothy, "there's no place like home." Yes, I have my own life now with my soon to be husband. We have our home (which has me EXTREMELY busy), and now we decided to throw in some more!! Yes.. a dog. Yet, I have not been able to call this place "home". To me home is the place where I have lived for 24 years. I experienced EVERYTHING in my "home", and I find it extremely difficult to leave and find another place home. I wonder how long it will take? When I think of that warm place, where I fall into bed and find myself completely relaxed, I think of Mom and Dad's home, not my home. I know I need to give myself time, especially since I am the only child. I am still a baby! Everything is a new experience to me, and I can't wait until I find this home my true comfort zone and my home.

I don't have a pair of fancy red sparkly slippers, but I do have a car! I find myself going home just because. Because: it is 3 minutes from the gym, I want my Mother's home cooked meal, I miss my parents, I miss my daughter Pixie, I want my old bed, and because I CAN! I know I know. I sound like a child who truly needs to let go and wean herself off, but I guess everything will fall into place at the right time.

As we grow and mature, we find ourselves truly appreciating the little things in life. The clothes being washed for us, the cooked meals, the cleaning.. *sigh*... things that I am now responsible for doing for not myself, but for my other half and our new son (dog) Joey. I now give mothers and wives BIG props. High five sista! It is not an easy job. Cleaning, cooking, and maintaining the house so it looks perfect! I was not raised to have a maid or a cleaning lady. I was raised that as a woman you handle the household, and that is the way I plan on keeping it. No I am not the stereotypical housewife from 1950. I worked, went to college, and got a degree for myself. I intend to use that degree and not sit home UNLESS I have children and need to care for them. Okay, well if the hubby insists I don't work ... then I can consider it an option! As a woman I feel it is my place to ensure my home is clean and well taken care of. Luckily, I have another half who insists on taking care of the house as well, and I admire that. Everything should not be upon my shoulders. I cook, yes you can do the dishes. You can help with our new child, you can wake up in the middle of the night. I was raised to be a good woman and wife, but I refuse to be blind and a vegetable.

Let's see where the night takes me. The doggy is finally asleep. I hope I do not find myself repeating the phrase "there's no place like home!"

What bitter sweet may look like.

The reality is finally kicking in that soon I will be married and out of my parents' home. Of course we all know I will find my way back here for reasons that do not make any sense (passing by on my way to the gym, home alone, or just to feel loved again) because clearly I will miss this place! I have lived in this home for about 23 out of the 24 years of my life, so you can imagine all the memories this home holds (good and bad). Living at home, I had my moments when I said "I can't wait to leave, I can't deal with the dysfunction, we are too different" and I am sure many of you have spoken these words before, but now that reality is truly kicking in and it is bitter sweet. I am moving onto having a new life and creating my own family which is great, yet I am sad that I have to leave the only home I have known for 23 years.

I also had a conversation with my younger cousin about the crazy things we would do as a child, and then it hit me. No my parents did not always agree with some things I did (C's on the report card, dropping out of college to only find my way back and graduating with a Bachelors, coming home at 6 am tripping on the floor because I was beyond intoxicated, piercing every part of my body, and the list goes on), but my parents gave me an amazing life and truly gave me freedom to be myself which helped me grow into the amazing woman I am today.

As I child, teen and young adult, I was always given just enough. As a child I had the ability to engage is crazy things that most parents would not allow. My parents always saw it as I was not causing any harm and just having a good time. Although they were not perfect and did annoy me and drag me on obnoxious long car rides to random places, at the time I disliked them for this, but now I realize they helped me create amazing memories with friends/family that I can never replace. As I find myself leaving home, this home will forever hold a piece of my heart. This home has witnessed so many important aspects of my life. From bubble baths in the tub as I attempted to swim with my bubble mohawk (which I can no longer swim in the tub because my legs are clearly too long for that), the tears, the fights, the breakups with nasty boyfriends, the trips, the falls, the birthday parties, the parental fights between one another, Christmas parties, Christmas days, the lovely times spent with my grandparents.. this house truly holds everything that I am, and I pray to god that my parents never ever consider selling it. This house contains my whole life.

People always warned me that you would appreciate everything once you became an adult, and I finally see this as true. You never realize things end, and you grow and need to move on with life, but now I see that this is the truth. The thought of no longer being a part of this home breaks my heart and brings tears to me eyes, because this was my home for 23 years; it's like ending a relationship!

I am very different than my parents, but everyday I find myself acting so much like my mother and father. I guess I will always take a piece of them with me. I will forever be grateful for the life they gave me, all the good experiences and all the bad experiences because at this very moment, I am exactly where I want to be and who I want to be, and I am perfectly imperfect.

T

Wake Up Call!

I have been so busy lately, that I have not had time to update ! The wedding is a little over a month away, and I am swamped. We finally got the keys to our place so now it is time to paint, and clean up. Furniture has been picked out and now we have to await delivery, and I am super excited.

Anyways. People have always warned me about life outside of Mommy and Daddy's home, and married life. I never doubted or underestimated these words because deep down I always knew there was truth behind them, but now reality is hitting me. Total wake up call!!!! Time to totally put on the big girl pants and become a grown up/wife/house keeper. I always knew this day would come, but I feel as if it has arrived quicker than I thought. So many thoughts running through my mind, and so many things to do. Time to pay grown up bills, and do grown up things.

It is a new experience for me, and of course new experiences and changes take some time to get used to, but I know I will adjust and be fine. I know I will go through these experiences and changes with my new life partner (good thing I am not going through them alone!). I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it and we will make it.


PS- All you need is love =)

My Sisters :)

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.  ~Author Unknown

What is a soul mate? Okay I found him, actually I will be marrying him in April, but my other soulmates.. those are just my sisters. No, wait..I am an only child. How can this be possible?

My friends are my sisters who are my soulmates. I say this for many reasons. My true girlfriends are always there for me. They know me when I don't know myself, they laugh with me, make me laugh, cry with me, and make me cry. They stand by my side, defend me to the end, and always have my best intentions at heart. They love me, care for me, bring out the best in me, remind me that we aren't perfect.. but we will be okay. My girlfriends are my soulmates, and I do not know what I would do without them.

I have grown to love these girls with 150% of my heart, and I cannot imagine my life without my girlfriends. I often here girls say "I don't have best friends, I don't believe in them because they only backstab you". Now, that is just the wrong mentality to have. What is life without a few close girlfriends? Life is miserable. I do not know what I would do without these girls. The girls I call to ramble on about my life problems (work, school, relationship, in-laws, or whatever the tragedy may be at the time), to drink coffee with me, to celebrate my accomplishments, to watch a movie, and to simply have a moment and just be me! 100% me...comfy clothes, no makeup, and indulging in fattening food like a real girl.

I love my soul mates :) They are always 100% honest with me, and tell me the truth because my best is their concern, and I can always count on and trust these girls. I cannot imagine my life without having girlfriends (especially those that you have known for several years and know you at your best...and especially at your worst). I just want to say a big THANK YOU to those special girls out there. There is no need for me to even mention a name..because they clearly know in their heart who they are. Thank you for being you, and for being my soul mate. I know that no matter what, we will be a part of each others lives, and I can always count on you.


<3

Let's Talk.

As marriage is right around the corner, there has been a load of stress/problems/situations that have been arising, and like it or not.. I have to face those problems. The church requires that we meet with another couple, a couple that has been married for a long period of time, and we discuss problems and concerns. Today I was feeling extremely down and as if I cannot go on any further. There were a load of problems that I held in, okay so I did not hold them in..I tried communicating to my other half, but he tends to not listen to what I am saying. Today I was basically required to release all my thoughts and feelings because this was the whole purpose of the meeting..and boy do I feel 200% better! I walked out of the meeting confident, happy, and ready for what the life throws at our soon to be marriage. Sometimes you need to talk it out so that both parties are on the same page, but it truly did help the both of us because we had another couple there to remind us both of what we were/are doing correctly and incorrectly. Today was a learning experience, and I am realizing how much the church/retreats/meetings are helping our relationship, and helping me as a person.

Goodnight =)